Do you remember your first love?
the first time you held hands with a loved one?
the first date. the first kiss? we hate or love the person who broke our heart. the time when we felt guilty for breaking someone’s heart.
you carry the weight of the person who shattered you, and yet they shape your love life.
being first and the firsts have always been important. the firsts don’t matter anymore, the last one does. the lasting one.
We had become really close friends in a span of three months. We met and spoke for hours, everyday. She didn’t want me to go for the trip. I was her only companion at that point of time. She was sad, but she knew I had to go. I felt bad leaving her, and even a little scared about leaving her alone in the city. The sky was cloudy, and it was about to rain.
The night had just started. It was around 7.15 p.m. There was a light drizzle which tranisition to heavy rain. We were the kind of people who loved to feel the rain, no matter how heavy it was. Yet I wasn’t ready to get wet that night. I parked the bike on the side of the road. A few other vehicles were also parked and people were taking shelter under a tree. There was a small gap with a visible gate in front of the house. We parked ourselves over there.
There was a house behind the tree which was locked and I rested my back on the gate while she stood in front of me, face to face. There were people beside us. She did glance once in a while at the rain but most of the time, we stood there talking while vehicles moved across the road in the rain.
After a while, when the rain got heavier, she laid her head on my chest and said, ‘Its so warm.’ I smiled and I looked at her. I wrapped my arms around her head and held her. I never let her go. About 10-15 minutes later, I felt her weight of her body on me. I knew she was slowly dozing off.
She forgotten the rain, the chaos of the traffic. She went into deep sleep state, all the while when she was standing.
As the rains returned to a light drizzle. I had no other option but to wake her up. If not for the trip, i would have stood there, relishing this moment. She woke up like a puppy waking up from slumber, her eyes as adorable as ever. She later said she felt so comfortable in my body heat that she just dozed off. I had never seen anything as cute as that. The sight and feel of her, resting on my body.
She felt comfortable, I felt love.
“Stay,” she said,
his warmth,
like fire,
engulfing her soft body.
“I love you,” she said,
her eyes peering,
at his jawline,
as she laid down,
on his shoulders.
“I love you more,” he said,
his smug smile,
assuring her,
of his return soon,
from a place of war.
“I miss you,” she said,
tears welling up
her body cold,
as she circled
her finger across his photo.
A tiny arm,
clung around her finger
in assurance,
“I love you, she said,
as she caressed,
their bundle of joy.
There used to be a girl in office. She was happy, performed well professionally and looked beautiful. However, she felt she missed out on something and it bothered her. Yet, she mastered the art of hiding it quite well. Over the years, she had many guys hitting on her. Sadly, she didn’t like the men who sincerely liked her or she assumed that the man whom she liked just wanted to sleep with her. The fear of being vulnerable to someone, and that someone taking advantage of her vulnerability and getting emotionally attached to a person who just wanted to satisfy his sexual desire kept haunting her constantly.
I felt she believed in the old school concept of romance. She didn’t want to give someone love who didn’t believe in a relationship for the long term. Yet, she never started loving someone for the fear of being betrayed. Where does this fear begin? Is it an endless cycle of anxiety where you end up lonely?
When Sex comes into the Picture
To some having sex or losing virginity at a certain age is cool, while some like to keep it natural during the course of their relationship, but to some, the concept of losing virginity before marriage or before getting to know a person deeply is like opening the doors of hell to the devil.
She assumed men only desired sex and men desired her for sex. Her assumptions were born out of countless experiences where men weren’t civil enough to approach her the right way. She had dealt with scary experiences of dealing with men who touched her inappropriately and with a man who sexually harassed her, despite liking her and whom she knew for many years.
They say that we have to trust our gut instinct. The problem of assuming a person for who he or she is not, arises from past experiences and they keep jumping to the present, preventing the individual from finding the right person or falling in love. The gut instinct might have failed once or twice or more, making assumption as a way of judging the intent of a person.
Will she find the right one? Will her love move beyond her assumption and apprehension of the things that scare her?
Yes, she will and the right one would be lucky to have someone like her.
She fell in love with the present,
she held on to her past,
the present wanted to be her future
while,
the past promised her future.
the present let her go.
to the past,
when the present,
saw an uncertain future.
Silent notes of brewed coffee,
steam dense, yet strained.
hazy rays through the stained glass,
the rustling sounds,
of the morning paper.
a gaze stuck on the polished wood,
shiny and happy,
yet Immobile.
biscuit crumbs scatter the table,
a new feast for the tiny ants.
A home,
never so silent,
missing a voice of its own
the potted soil, never dry
nor the leaves dusty.
the subtle baking aroma,
the loving shouts,
and the steps of arrival,
is a now a memory,
as you ascend,
to a happy place.